I'm sorry

I have an apology to make.
I don't think my last post was a true portrayal of how I was really feeling.
But I guess that is part the reason why we're human. We have a need to pretend were OK, to be optimistic and put on a facade to the world so no one asks questions. Well I can't.

I don't want to say I lied but my previous post was more of a forecast of a place I thought I was at but really wasn't.  I've been quiet the past few weeks and not blogged, my new years resolution was to post once weekly (and loose weight, but I'm clearly failing at both) sorry !

I have taken time the past fortnight to try and recollect myself after an emotional breakdown in the middle of a corridor at work. Yes, not appropriate, not professional but it was a certainty that it was going to happen.
It's not that I don't like being told I'm inspiring, nor that I'm brave or strong, though whilst it may not offend me I guess part of me wants to show that persona and be like "yeah, I am aren't I?" But it did not help at all. I just pushed everything to the back of my mind and carried on like I normally would, however normal life isn't the same anymore and this is when I cracked, the shear struggle of pretending I was all good was silly, I guess it was denial .I bottled everything up but then suddenly the cork popped and I was this snivelling mess, my once neatly placed make-up was covering my face making me  resemble Alice Cooper as I cried to my closest friends about how I hated everything.
I hate what is happening.
I hate that its happening to me and I hate that there is no reason for this to be happening or a diagnosis. I hate hate hate it.

So as you have probably guessed by now I am depressed.

I'm not myself and its recognisable to those around me. I'm staying in bed for days because I hate being alone and the motivation to get up and go is just not there, my bed is a safe place I can hide and not leaving it means I don't have to go out and I don't have to face the world.. I'm either avoiding meals because I have no appetite or im eating too much because of an urge to consume my body weight in chocolate I'm either sleeping too much or not at all because my mind is racing. Nothing is satisfying or motivating and I don't know how I feel any more about anything .

I have however had the support I've needed and despite feeling low I do feel loved and cared about.
People have gone above and beyond their call of duty to make sure I'm OK and that I haven't been left at home alone.
My best friend even took time out of work to stay with me, to come to London for tests with me and helped round the house and with Archie, to take the load off of me and David. She cooked dinner and kept me entertained when David was studying hard. She definitely has made a massive difference and along with all my other friends who have rallied around I will never be able to repay you and show how grateful me and David are. You have kept me busy, distracted, made me laugh, spoilt me, let me cry when I've needed to and suffered those moments when I'm anxious and I don't want to talk and all of you are amazing people, you've saved me.
I am working on my emotions with my support worker. I have regular meetings, coping strategies, counselling and medication.
I have dropped out of university to get my life back on track and reduce additional stress. Maybe I'll regret it, maybe I won't, but for now it's best.

I'm not going to say much else but I'll be back blogging weekly in time and will have lots to tell you about. More glorious appointments and assessments to talk through.

Thank you all for your continued support.

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