Send me to the scrap yard

Okay so I'm back.
I have no idea how to begin this blog post. Usually everything flows but the past few days I have been sitting and thinking of ways to draw you in. Nothing came to me. My mind just isn't functioning right now and whether its an accumulation of fatigue, illness or medication I just don't know.
So my days the past 2 weeks have began at 3am. Why so early you may ask? My body hates me. Or on a more creative level it could be a sign that I am actually living in a nightmare and in a few nights I'll see 3am on the clock and creepy voices will start beckoning me to a basement I never knew I had.I'll keep you in the loop on that one... 
Any one who knows me knows I'm an 11-7am sleeper. Straight through and if I'm not asleep by 11, with the exception of being  completely wasted,  you will notice how much of a grumpy bitch I am. But now I wake up at 3... Then 4... Then 5... So on and so forth until I physically have to drag my sorry ass out of bed because I cannot wait any longer to pee. 

I had a trip to Moore field's hospital the middle of January. Whilst there they conducted an array of bizarre tests in electro physiology. They are trying to determine whether my sight loss is caused by a fault in electric signals between my brain and eyes. They were awful! Not in a painful manor but more a case of severe boredom, I was sat with probes on my head staring at computers for 3 hours. The best part however, was having gold foils put under my eyelids which did not want to stay put- they were replaced around 30 times! Reason given was that I have funny shaped eye balls? Needless to say the next day I had the migraine to trump all migraines I have ever had.
My head wanted to explode.
This is a typical reaction whenever I have my eyes tested, its expected that the next day I will feel like shit. Like I've got the mother of all  hangovers only without the good night out and cringy memories.
My results will be ready for my next 2 day adventure to the hospital in March. The tooing and throwing is stressful enough but my bank is not enjoying the hit with additional train fair, tube costs and ridiculously over priced London hotels (many of which are just complete dives.)
I hope they have found a reason. If not the next step is to neurology.
I can't handle being sent to another specialist or another department for more tests and more waiting.
I am currently under 4 different consultants, not including my amazing occupational health doctor, GP and mental health department.
As many of you know the past 2 years my health took a complete dive. It began with my kidneys, they were constantly infected and I was passing out, non-responsive to antibiotics, every test, scan and camera I had came back negative, all but my liver. I had extensive tests which led to having surgery for my gallbladder to be removed and during surgery my liver was checked. My post op bloods were erratic and the doctor was concerned. A day surgery turned into a week of hospitalisation, non stop vomiting due to an allergic reaction to anesthetic. I was later told I may have cirrhosis and the next smart NHS move was to stick me on a non-urgent 4 month waiting list to see a liver specialist.
Yes, I was told my liver could be dieing but had to wait 4 months to see any one about it, doesn't make sense but it was an awful awful wait. As someone who suffers with anxiety it was horrible, I was worried, paranoid and scared. Good news was that I do not have cirrhosis but what I do have is non-alcoholic liver disease. Thus meaning my liver causes me a lot of pain, I have flare ups where I'm in agony and the excess stress causes me to be completely run down and my kidneys act up. Last year I was prescribed around 12-15 courses of different antibiotic's.
Things have calmed down lately, i still get bad pain but its the least of my worries. I will be honest though because I have neglected myself the past few months: I eat crap and still drink alcohol(I don't get drunk, but I have a few cocktails and switch to water. I need to eat better, cut out the wine and exercise more). But then I think what's the point.
Every time I think things are going to be OK I just get knocked back down again.
Next on the list is an endocrinologist, a fancy name for the lovely Italian man who is monitoring my hormones. Alongside my shitty liver problems and reduced vision I've recently been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, I'm not entirely sure what this means but I was constantly tired, sweaty and gaining weight. I am now on medication and this doctor will monitor my hormone levels.
Oh he also has the job of trying to work out why I am currently infertile.
Something I've not shared with many people because it was easier to pretend it wasn't an issue. But getting engaged increases the chances of people asking when your gonna pop one out! I'm ridiculously broody so if I could trust me I would! I am more hopeful than with any of my health issues that this will be fixed or I can at least have some form of treatment.

I know I'm not the only one with these issues but I'm being open and honest. Not for sympathy but for people to know they are not alone.
I had my time feeling like I'm alone but I know I am not.
I know the issues I have are trivial compared to the ways others suffer.
The mix of things I have going on makes me feel less like a person every day.
I take tablets to be able to eat without being in pain.
I take tablets to sleep.
I take tablets to have the correct hormonal balance that I can't produce on my own.
I take tablets to stop me going off the rails and to help me feel like a "normal" person.
I feel like I'm broken.
I'm fed up of being in pain.
I'm fed up off waking up and knowing today will be a "bad" day.

God damn it where is doctor House when you need him?!

One major thing I have been able to do, is recognise my anxiety attack trigger's: crowds, not knowing where I am going, heavy noise and going out the house alone. My support worker is helping me with these. For obvious reasons I am not comfortable going out alone at the moment.
This week I find out about mobility training as I will be getting a cane.

I keep trying to be OK when I'm out and its like I lull myself into a false sense of security. I smile when people push me out the way, or act polite when I get tripped and knocked. But then I get home and it hits me. Its stifling, I can't breath properly, I feel this sense of doom like I'm going to die, I want to cry, vomit and scream at the same time. I want to curl in a ball and never go outside again.
But all I can do is breathe and wait for the anxiety to pass. Then be brave and do it again. Go on a bus, do the school run, go the shop alone (thinking about these things is nauseating) baby steps at the moment and it will take time but I have to try and do everything I can to get through this, I will not let all my issues and sadness consume me.
Because if I don't help myself then how can I try to help others?

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