Battling the Blues.

A few months ago I posted a blog which represented a place I thought I was at, followed by an apology because I really wasn't there. I've taken sometime away from blogging to sort myself out. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Putting feelings to pen and paper... Well typeface and a screen is difficult. It like, flows out of you and then you hit publish, and its there for the world to see. I originally set this blog up anonymously, however, I knew this would be a way to connect my true feelings to those who care about me most. I can't sit having a cup of tea and chat about this stuff openly. So any one who thinks I'm being to open you don't have to read this. Its been almost 6 weeks since my last update but I'm back on it! I'm ready to open my heart to you whilst listening to Mr Ezra (I'll refrain from day dreaming too much!) First of all I want to say thank you. Over 740 glorious people have read my blog since January and I am absolutely amazed by this as well as being incredibly grateful for all the well wishers, lovely messages and general support. Your all so lovely! I never ever thought those kind of numbers were possible for my awful writing! So if you know me or read my blog regularly you will know that my life is an endless spiral of drama! Some things that happen are well hilarious others not so. I should be writing episodes of EastEnders with all my stories! Well here's a new addition to my on going list of health issues. I have recently been suffering with my breathing and now I'm an asthmatic... I wasn't happy about how this came about, I spent 12 hours struggling to breathe and refusing to go the hospital. I'd had a bad chest for a while and nothing seemed to shift the stupid cough. Like many others I'm on my 3rd cold of the year!! Bloody weather. My GP had me escort myself to hospital whilst tachycardic and with my SATs really low - I can't even remember getting there! They did a number of tests and ruled out another PE, stuck me on a nebuliser and sent me on my way, whilst projectile vomiting,(sorry bristol road users for holding up rush hour traffic to make pavement pizzas) for the GP to prescribe a variety of puffers! That being said the hospital were quick and since I've had the puffers my general breathing has improved. I'm not coughing as much but can now recognise when I need a good puff or when I'm just having an anxiety attack. (I say "just" like the feeling of impending doom isn't much, but compared to another asthma attack its dealable.) So last time I discussed the traumatic tests I was subjected to in London. I had to wait aggggeeeeeesss for results as they needed to be processed by every Tom, Dick and Harry apparently. Well first off the original doctor I saw was so so nice, made me feel at ease and said he would see me at my next appointments. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of people worse off and more urgent matters but he made me feel like he would help me and he didn't. He walked past me and another person came and spoke to me, I had to go through every detail of the past 14 months to yet another doctor I would never see again. Next time I go will likely be the same, I think I've had to speak to around 15-20 different doctors atleast about my issue, which is shocking. The lack of consistency really frustrates me, it feels as though there is no care or compassion. I really feel for doctors, if only the NHS was how Holby portrays care and doctors were given the time to help you. Going to these appointments is hard. I have to arrange transport, accommodation, a buddy to come with me and mentally psych myself up to be knocked around, tutted at, pushed and pulled about because everyone wanted to be somewhere 5 minutes ago! I used to love London, the amazing sites, wonderful food and musical theatre. Now I hate it. When did people become so rude and impatient? Now to the point, my eyes themselves are healthy. Bizarre, but therefore indicating the problem may be further back in the brain. A neuro opthalmologist will see me in June. If they can't work out what's going on then it could still be the drusen or "one of them things" So in terms of my vision, other than a noticeable decline, I don't have an awful lot to report. I'm still seeing FOCUS blind charity almost weekly and honestly they have been incredible! This charity does not get enough recognition, they've made me feel supported and arranged a variety of appointments and home improvements. I've had handrails fitted in my shower and bath yesterday to help me and i didn't have to pay a thing! I also have this funky device called a liquid level indicator. I can't cope without tea and when I've been home alone its been tough and dangerous, now I'm like a tea ninja, no stopping me! It sits over the lip of a mug and when you get near the top it alarms and vibrates so you don't over poor. How cool! These are the little things that brilliant minds have created so people can maintain independence and these little things make me so so happy. Its a little boost of confidence and inside your like "hell yeah, i can still do this". But these things no one really knows about and they should. I've had a busy few weeks and those who know me would of seen my check ins. I'm trying to get out more, keep occupied and learn that going out alone isn't as daunting as it once was. Yeah my depression is still lingering but I can cope. I had a really really bad day a few weeks ago, for a few days I knew it was coming. I was over sensitive, indecisive and generally miserable. Then I couldn't make a simple decision and it was the straw that broke the camels back. The darkness came and I wanted to disappear (I feel stupid saying this but when it all gets too much you feel out of control) I screamed and I cried and I smashed things (then cleaned them up) then cried some more because I broke things and it was an endless loop. I am only thankful that I wasn't alone and my mental health worker could not have chose a better time to call. My sister bundled me into her car with a suitcase.I will always be grateful that she did this because the thought of what may have happened if I was alone scares me. But I will always be sorry that she had to see her big sister like that and that she had to deal with such a monster. I calmed down after a nap, a cup of tea and a cuddle. Then I felt sick, stupid for being so awful but its like you black out in a rage and you can't remember why you were behaving like that. I think my mental state has improved since this incident. I needed to explode to get it out. I feel happier. It will take a while, I'll carry on the meds, I'll carry on with therapy and probably have more bad days but as long as the good days out weigh the bad then thats OK with me . Loosing my vision isn't the worse thing, the worse thing is not having answers. When I got pregnant at 17 it was scary but I did it, my boy is 8 this year and it has flown. When he was 6 months old I got a job volunteering in a laboratory, I was then employed by the HPA and went to university to study. I then left food microbiology to get experience in clinical microbiology which was such a challenge but I loved it. Yes, loved. After having assessments in work I am no longer safe to work in the laboratory. This broke my heart, I have no experience in any other industry and have a specific skill set that I can no longer use. Its sad. But it could be a good thing. One day at a time and all that jazz! Anyway, so we've moved the wedding forward. In January we made the decision to not waste more time incase things get worse. This had kept me busy and even though we have 9 months to go we are pretty much done. Everything booked, cake ordered, invites ready to go. Now I can focus on shifting some pounds and not stressing that things aren't done. I miss cake at the moment. I'm a comfort eater and dieting is so so hard. Well, when I get awarded miss slinky it will be worth it (i can dream right?!) The Evening Mail are publishing a piece about my condition, moving the wedding and the impact it has had on my life. There are other people suffering and probably feeling just like I am. There is a clear gap in support groups for sensory impairment and I want to change this. Just a way for people to share helpful tips, give information about charities and generally have a network of people you can talk to or meet for coffee. If you actively read my blog and think this would be a good idea then please let me know and if you know anyone or think that you would benefit from this then please contact me and we can start a group. I'm going to leave you with that for now, I was going to tell you how I almost died from Cayenne pepper. But that's a story for another day I need to go bathe and binge watch Nashville!
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